What is Death? Part III of IV: Death of Loved Ones

I hope I have been able to convince you that death is not an inherently bad thing. It is undoubtedly a natural and necessary part of life and embracing this reality can set you up to live a more meaningful and purposeful life.

With that said, when we step outside the examination of our own death and look at the death of those around us, namely our loved ones, a certain level of anxiety permeates. I feel that it is much easier to accept our own mortality than it is to accept the mortality of a parent or a child, for example. Continuing that thread, we also must consider how difficult it must be on our loved ones to accept the fact that we, ourselves, are mortal. Afterall, we are all someone’s child, sibling, parent or friend. Here we will discuss why this pain is so universal and what we might be able to do to mitigate it. I want to point out that I am in no way suggesting that we must be emotionless in the face of tragedy. Losing a loved one is something that will cause pain, grief and emotional distress. I am arguing that this pain is amplified by our unwillingness to face the mortality of our loved ones. Because of this, when someone passes, it feels like we have been blind-sided. It feels like the universe is out to get us and it feels like a pain that we cannot bear. Here is a relevant quote from Marcus Aurelius to keep in mind when that thought crosses your mind: "Nothing happens to any man which he is not formed by nature to bear." He also reminds us that change, or in this case the death of a loved one, is a natural part of life. So why does it hurt so much?

Regret

One of the major reasons losing a loved one can be so difficult is the nagging feeling of regret. You may not have said the things you wanted to say while they were alive. You may not have made it clear how much you love or appreciate them. You may not have done all the things with them that you wanted to do. All of these things highlight the importance of living in the present moment. Do not put off until tomorrow what can be done today, and this goes for saying nice things or even picking up the phone to call a long-distance relative. Regret can also begin to sink in prior to losing a loved one. As we age and experience physical decline, the time will come that you are no longer able to do certain things we might have wanted to do with our loved ones. This fact makes it important to not only live in the moment, but also to think about the future and all the things you would like to be able to do as you (or a loved one) ages. If the last 10 years of life are filled with aches, pains and disability, you will be living through a lot of psychological pain as you watch experiences and moments pass you by. 

Surprise

So many of us choose not to pay any mind to death until it becomes imminent. Well, I have news for you, death is imminent for all of us, at all times. The shock of losing a loved one can be very traumatic. This could be due to an accidental death of a child or the prolonged death of an unwell grandparent with a terminal diagnosis. I am not suggesting that the unexpected loss of a child is not tragic. However, you are doing yourself a great injustice if you have not considered the mortality of all of those around you, including those that you hope and expect will outlive you. It seems morbid, but it is literally the only tool we have in our toolbox to prepare for such tragedy. It does not need to be something you perseverate on or obsess over, but it should be something you do to help you refocus your energy in the present moment. Accepting mortality will help you set priorities in the relationships you have, which will go a long way in helping you live without regret while simultaneously blunting the surprise of the inevitable losses you will experience.

Fear of Missing Out

This is harder for me to define, but I think it is probably universally relatable. When we lose someone, or when someone loses us, they will also be losing out on the opportunity to have future experiences with us. It is really hard to imagine living life without someone that is very close to us, and when they pass away, we are faced with that very situation. There is a certain level of pain that will manifest every time you do something that would have involved them that perhaps you took for granted. Again, there is no way to eliminate that pain, but it does emphasize the importance of trying to be present in every moment, to not take anything for granted. The loss of a parent who will miss out on the growth of a grandchild, or the loss of a child who you will not be able to watch grow into an adult. These are unimaginably painful thoughts. But our best method to combat the pain is to do just that, imagine the pain and use that pain as motivation to be grateful for every single moment you have with your loved ones. 

Conclusion

In summary, the loss of a loved one, or a loved one’s loss of you, is something that will bring great pain and grief. But we do have some tools to help mitigate that pain. The key is to make sure you are not burying your head in the sand when it comes to mortality. Everyone and everything will die, these are the terms of life. What you can do is accept that reality and be grateful for every moment you have. This work will help make sure you reduce your regret, blunt the surprise and accept the loss of future experiences with that loved one. At the same time, this acceptance should motivate you to want to be as well and as healthy as you possibly can be for as long as you can be. This will enable you to more fully enjoy every moment, and give you and your loved ones more of those moments of joy. The alternative is slipping into more aggressive and premature decline which will cause your experiences to suffer while making the finite time you have on this earth more difficult than it needs to be. 

In the final part of this series, we will dive deeper into this last point. How can we leverage death to live a better life?